What Would You Do For Your Kids Fears?

It's 7am. It's 7am and I haven't really gone to bed yet. I mean, I took a nap earlier, but I haven't full-on slept yet. I'm not sure if I will.

One thing that I'll probably touch on a lot in this blog is my anxieties. I have always been an anxious, nervous thing, from as far back as I can remember. Y'know Chuckie Finster from Rugrats? That was me. Full force. I once made my mother take us home from the movie theater before the movie even started, because I saw a fire alarm on the wall and was terrified it would go off during the movie. Fire alarms scared the hell out of me. I was scared of toilets that looked strange (read: didn't look like the toilet we had at home). It led to a lot of accidents, or us having to leave earlier than we wanted to. I was scared of my Berenstein Bears tapes. They made a scary noise at the end. I was terrified of electronics turning on without anyone pressing the on button. Like the computer just turning on as I walk by it.

Some of my fears from my childhood have stuck with me into adulthood. I don't like going into unfamiliar places. I think this stems from the time when I was 6, and my dad accidentally took us into a bar and grill that only served 21+. I was so ashamed and humiliated. Yes, even at 6. I just feel like there are places I'm just not allowed, and I can't stand breaking rules.

I don't like talking to unfamiliar people. I don't like feeling like I'm a bother on anyone, and especially if I don't feel like I know the social "rules" of a situation (which is hardly ever), I often just have to step away. This is the reason why I have issues texting people back if too much time has passed, or how I absolutely will never ever knock on someone's door if I have not been invited over.

I'm still afraid of bugs. I have the courage now to do battle against them, but I'm still scared of them. I'm still scared of talking on the phone. I'll do it if I absolutely have to, but this fear is so strong that I have problems calling family members without texting them to announce my intent to call them. (I think this is an extension of the "call for permission before stopping by someone's house" thing).

I'm still scared of being rejected. I'm still scared of failing. I'm still a little scared of flying, though nowhere near as bad as I used to be. I'm scared of scary movies.

But now... I'm realising I have so many new fears. Adult fears. Fears that didn't even bother me a few years ago, but I guess that just means I'm growing up.

I'm scared for my country. Being exposed to so many different people during my year between NAU and SCAD opened up my perspective and see so much of the terrible state our country is in. I see how the media has lied and manipulated us. I see problems everywhere, and no one fixing them.

I know something is wrong, but I don't know exactly what, or how, or why. A few years ago, I didn't really care much about politics (except education), and I didn't vote, because I knew one thing for sure -- most people had no idea what they were talking about, and the last thing I wanted to be was another uninformed voter just compounding the problem. But now I'm growing, and I'm seeing how these issues are actively affecting me, my family, my friends (ESPECIALLY my friends), and the children I want to have one day.... I'm realizing how much I don't know, how much no one knows, how much is probably hidden and how much everything just seems to run in circles but never change. The more I learn, the more I realize there's still so much more I don't know, and it seems like at least I'm trying to understand. I feel like so many other people in this country just believe what they're told to believe. And I panic that I'm making the same mistake. I only know one thing for certain, but it's not a realization that can make me any less afraid -- that this country has so many problems and I don't think they will be fixed without some serious change -- but of course, that word "change" is something this country really can't stand.

I'm scared for my future. I'm scared that I wont ever be good enough to get a job. I'm scared that I don't deserve a good job. I'm scared I'll live my life below the poverty line, begging my dad to help me the rest of his life, because of my insecurities and self-confidence issues.

I'm scared of never getting decent health insurance. That I'll trip and fall and break my wrist and end up 80 grand in debt. And i know that's not an exageration - my teacher told me last week that he broke his pinky. His goddamn pinky. And ended up with a bill totalling 80 grand.

I'm scared that what good work I do will never be good enough. That even when I'm proud of myself, it'll never be good enough for me to get a job, or get a raise, or get recognition. I tried so hard this quarter to do well as a Student Ambassador. I did three or four times as many events as we were required to have to maintain "good standing." Hell, I got the "good standing" amount before the quarter even STARTED. I took on jobs that were outside my comfort zone. I approached my supervisor with other projects for us to get involved in, and was told by one of the coordinators that I should apply to be a coordinator. But then student ambassador of the month awards come around... they give it to someone I've had to yell at for slacking off on the job. They give it to people with less events done than I have (and make a point of talking about how many events they've done). I feel like I've given my all, but it's not good enough, and it never will be. I can't stop feeling like this will never change, no matter how hard I try. That even when I feel like not only am I doing my best, but I'm doing a better job than others, that I'll always be overlooked or forgotten.

I'm scared that a large portion of my family hates me. I'm scared that the day will come where I get married, and a huge chunk of them wont show up or even send a card my way wishing me luck.I'm scared that even those who I know do love me for all that I am wont want to shell the cash or take the time to come see me that day. Hell, I'm scared I could totally kick the bucket and they wouldn't even come to my funeral. They have more important things to do.

I'm scared that I'll never find my place. That I'll keep jumping from apartment to apartment, from crappy job to crappy job, earning 5 grand a year and wondering when my life will begin. I'm scared that I'll never be happy. That this country and this world will only get worse, no matter who the fuck is in power or who the fuck gives a shit. I'm scared to bring children into this world. I'm scared of my mother or father getting cancer with their terrible health insurance.

I'm scared. I'm easily as scared as I was when I screamed at the top of my lungs for my mom to take us home away from the fire alarm. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to get away from here. But I can't.

I just wish I didn't have to care so much. It seems like the people who don't give a shit what anyone else thinks are the people who get somewhere. Those people who will step on others to get themselves up. I care too much and I'm too afraid.


I just want to scream.

And I wish instead of being afraid of all this, I was afraid of fire alarms again.