So, thanks to winter quarter finals, my sleep schedule has flipped completely around to "nocturnal." So that, plus the sudden plethora of free time I now have (I don't have to go to Montgomery Hall and work on animation for 12 hours? Really? Are you sure? Okay.) I did laundry for the first time in a month (I have enough clothes for a month, but I have a lot of clothes I'm not a fan of. I used those up, too). I cleaned a little. But for the most part, I was on the computer. Big surprise there. However, somewhere between Saturday and Sunday I got sick of being surrounded by screens (I had four running at one point - imac on The Sims 3, laptop playing youtube videos, my phone on for texting, and my tablet for Candy Crush Saga while waiting for my Sims to wake up). I also couldn't really bring myself to clean more, because bleh cleaning. I am not a fan of cleaning. (I would say "who is??".....but there are people who enjoy it.... you know who you are.)
So, I paused The Sims, stood up, got some food, and thought "....maybe I should read something. Something not on the internet. Like a book."
And then I remembered that yesterday while I was cleaning the living room, I'd come across the Barnes and Noble bag I'd brought home a few weeks ago, with an untouched new book still sitting nestled inside with the receipt. A book called "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin
It was one of those I Had A Gift Card And This Was On One Of Those Mid-Aisle Displays And It Wasn't Too Expensive And I Couldn't Think Of Anything Else To Buy And It Could Do Me Good If I Read It And I've Considered Reading It So I'll Go Ahead And Get It purchases. I have a lot of those. I have a bookshelf full of either untouched or half-read books, mainly because if I don't engulf the whole book in one sitting like a Harry Potter book, I tend to forget it exists. (I'm probably the only child on the face of the planet who STOPPED reading thanks to Harry Potter, but that's a blog post for another day).
So I pulled the book out of the bag, went back to my room, sat down, and proceeded to chew through four chapters. That's almost 100 pages. Now, on Monday morning, I'm almost done.
It's inspiring. This is a book I kind of want to read again after I go through this time. It's actually a book where I actively wished I'd had a highlighter handy nearby or mini post its handy for some of the things she's written. One thing I love is that, in the introduction, she explains that this is a book retelling her own personal experience spending a year finding happiness, and that it is by no means the only way, and that everyone would have to come up with their own Happiness Project for their own struggles and their own way of living.
I want to do it.
So much of it is the little things we keep saying we should do but don't. Like how I say I should actively communicate with my friends more. How I should take the stairs instead of the elevator. How guilty I feel when I don't take my dishes to the kitchen. How I put off little chores til later and let them pile up. Ways of thinking and altering them (like saying "The Fun of Failure." It's all stuff I've heard before but have forgotten - or just downright turned away from. I don't know why.
I feel happier after reading this book. I want to give it a try. I really do.
I think one of the successful ideas of the book was not overdoing it, yknow? She had overall core rules that she followed ("Splendid Truths" like "To be happier, you have to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right in an atmosphere of growth", and "Commandments" like "Enjoy the Process" or "Lighten up."), but then each month, had a specific focus on one aspect she wanted to cultivate for growth. For example, in February she focused on love, and in April she focused on improving being a parent.
I've decided to pretty much start now. I have April planned out, but for the rest of March I have one resolution -- Get Stuff Done. I have a lot of things I've been putting off and putting off. I'm a procrastinator. This month, I need to get things done, and yes, I got some things accomplished before I read the book - I got my federal taxes done, for example. I emailed some people I've been meaning to email. I've taken steps toward getting my FAFSA stuff figured out.
But there are other things I've been putting off. I want to find a doctor (or two) so I can get a full round of physicals and tests and stuff done while I still have health insurance. I have to get background stuff done for Double Rainboom. I want to introduce Justin to more of my friends while he's here this week, but I haven't set up the facebook event yet (....true to my resolution, I just went ahead and did that right now). I've been putting off cleaning my absolutely disgusting car. I've been putting off dishes, and cleaning the kitty litter... I have to put my water bill in the mailbox. I tend to just put things off. So for this month, I'm going to take care of all those things now, not later. (Or, if something requires a later - like I like to clean my car at a gas station, because of the trash containers, or can't print something because printer is broken and roommate is gone - I'll make a note and do it sooner, not later).
So, I've got a Google spreadsheet that I can access anywhere. I've put rows for each day of March, and then columns of resolutions. "Do a chore at first thought"; "Get a doctor" (me and Quinn both need appointments); "Get FAFSA and taxes 100% done"; "If I think about calling/texting someone, do it"; "Contact and meet Student Ambassador Mentees"; "Apartment."
All of these will be tough for me, and pretty much all of them need to get done THIS MONTH. So, I'm going to do them. Because some of these things require multiple steps (I have stuff to print and stuff to mail and stuff to followup on for taxes and FAFSA, for example), instead of just putting an X in a box, I will mention exactly what I did for that box. If I get a column's task 100% done, I can blank out the rest of that column, so that way I can really sense the accomplishment. Maybe I'll replace it with a new task. We'll see. This is just to get me started, yknow?
So, what do you think? Any projects you need to get done but put off for awhile?
Monday, March 18, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Winter Quarter
I want to try and actually type more about my day-to-day life in this here blog, and when I realized I was about to sum up my quarter in a single sentence at the beginning of a blog post about a book I'm reading, I realized, duh, why not just devote a whole blog post to it??
I go to Savannah College of Art and Design, and I just finished up my second winter quarter here. That's 6 quarters done, and 6 more to go. I am literally sitting at the halfway mark of my career here at SCAD, which is actually a little comforting, now that I'm thinking about it. It's much less "HOMFG" feeling than saying "I'M ONLY TWO QUARTERS AWAY FROM BEING A SENIOR OH GOD OH GOD!" But let's not think about that, shall we?
This last quarter, I took two classes (as I do every quarter now - 3 classes is standard). I had Principles of Screen Design with this guy Jan Carlee, and 2D Production with an ol' favorite, John Webber.
Screen Design was awesome. The class revolves the devices and techniques film makers, animated and live action alike, use to convey and strengthen their story. While I had friends who'd taken the class previously and hated it, I, personally, enjoyed the class immensely, and I think it was because, thanks to their complaints, I was able to prepare myself for what was to come. I already knew the teacher was a harsh grader, so I didn't get bent out of shape about a B, and rejoiced in the single A I got the whole quarter, because I *knew* I earned it. I already knew not to expect any in-class work session. I knew to expect 2.5 hours of nonstop film clips, and to have a class here or there that covered topics I either didn't care about or already knew about. I knew what to expect from the assignments, even knew what some of them were and knew how my friends approached the assignments. I worried about doing as good of work as they did, and I got upset if I missed a class and it turned out to be a class on something I really wanted to learn, like character design. But in the end, I felt like I did a good job, and when my teacher praised something I did, I *knew* he meant it, and I knew I deserved it. I need to get those assignments on my Vimeo so I can embed them here soon. I'll definitely do that this week. The class also had a lot of great people, and we had a great time. Easily one of the best classes I've had at SCAD yet.
My teacher for that class, Jan Carlee, was pretty awesome, too. This guy.... he should write a book. The adventures he's had just because of people he met because he was in the right place at the right time.... it's almost unbelievable, and yet he has this presence and personality that just tells you, no, he's that guy. The guy to help a stranger on the street on the way to a rock concert, and it turns out it's the rock band's manager, and now there's a invitation to a huge private party with tons of famous people. Or the person that, the day he quits his job, someone randomly calls and offers him a new one. He's just tapped into that weird mojo that allows these things to happen, has the personality to not really give a shit what others think but also be a kind-hearted guy, and he tells his stories with such vigor and such humor even though he tells these stories over and over again.... Like I said. He needs to write a book.
So, yeah. I loved that class. My other class, though, 2D Production, was kind of the polar opposite. I liked my teacher and I loved having class with so many friends, but the class was a source of much stress. It's still a source of stress, and it's over! My main concern, and I think it not only hindered me but ultimately crippled me, was my confidence. See, 2D Production is kind of a test run for your senior film. You learn the process of making a 2D movie from start to finish. And considering up to this point, I've only had TWO ACTUAL ANIMATION CLASSES (not counting 3D because I'm a 2D animator), I definitely felt unprepared. Not just that, but I was coming off of a really bad, unproductive quarter sans animation classes (felt like a waste of time and money and made me feel guilty and terrible that I was falling behind). I was also aware right off the bat that I would be facing some of my weaknesses with animation (mainly inking). And I was aware that I had extremely talented friends in the class with me who I cannot help but compare myself to. Pretty much these four things combined into a cocktail of Augh.
I burnt out really bad. I stopped giving a shit about my film, started getting lazy, started hating it. I let mistakes go because I just didn't want to deal with them. I wasn't a big fan of the story, the character design, and of it, but I didn't have time to mess with it. Meanwhile, I watched my friends make amazing, well-animated, well-toned, well-colored, well-inked, well-storied films. I just felt so behind. I felt so inferior. Sure, my film wasn't the worst in the class by any means. But it certainly did not even fall into the top five. Not even close. And that's hard for me, not because I feel like I always have to be perfect, but because I'm scared that NOT being perfect means not getting a job.... and that thought is making me emotional so I'm going to stop talking about it. Point is - I'm not proud of my work in that class, and as a result, I've decided to take another quarter hardcore focusing on my animation and some of my lacking areas. My friends are taking Concept for their senior films in the spring. I'm taking it in the summer (with the aforementioned Jan Carlee, so THAT'll be exciting!). At least I learned from this that I need more instruction (I mean, I knew that from the start of the quarter, but I'm going ahead and accepting it now). Hopefully, this next quarter will see growth, and a sense of certainty about my place in this wibbly wobbly artsy filmy place that is animation.... (Dr. Who reference!)
But now, it's spring break!! And in approximately 31 hours, I will be seeing the other half of this blog in person as he steps off the bus in downtown Savannah! :D I can't wait!
I go to Savannah College of Art and Design, and I just finished up my second winter quarter here. That's 6 quarters done, and 6 more to go. I am literally sitting at the halfway mark of my career here at SCAD, which is actually a little comforting, now that I'm thinking about it. It's much less "HOMFG" feeling than saying "I'M ONLY TWO QUARTERS AWAY FROM BEING A SENIOR OH GOD OH GOD!" But let's not think about that, shall we?
This last quarter, I took two classes (as I do every quarter now - 3 classes is standard). I had Principles of Screen Design with this guy Jan Carlee, and 2D Production with an ol' favorite, John Webber.
Screen Design was awesome. The class revolves the devices and techniques film makers, animated and live action alike, use to convey and strengthen their story. While I had friends who'd taken the class previously and hated it, I, personally, enjoyed the class immensely, and I think it was because, thanks to their complaints, I was able to prepare myself for what was to come. I already knew the teacher was a harsh grader, so I didn't get bent out of shape about a B, and rejoiced in the single A I got the whole quarter, because I *knew* I earned it. I already knew not to expect any in-class work session. I knew to expect 2.5 hours of nonstop film clips, and to have a class here or there that covered topics I either didn't care about or already knew about. I knew what to expect from the assignments, even knew what some of them were and knew how my friends approached the assignments. I worried about doing as good of work as they did, and I got upset if I missed a class and it turned out to be a class on something I really wanted to learn, like character design. But in the end, I felt like I did a good job, and when my teacher praised something I did, I *knew* he meant it, and I knew I deserved it. I need to get those assignments on my Vimeo so I can embed them here soon. I'll definitely do that this week. The class also had a lot of great people, and we had a great time. Easily one of the best classes I've had at SCAD yet.
My teacher for that class, Jan Carlee, was pretty awesome, too. This guy.... he should write a book. The adventures he's had just because of people he met because he was in the right place at the right time.... it's almost unbelievable, and yet he has this presence and personality that just tells you, no, he's that guy. The guy to help a stranger on the street on the way to a rock concert, and it turns out it's the rock band's manager, and now there's a invitation to a huge private party with tons of famous people. Or the person that, the day he quits his job, someone randomly calls and offers him a new one. He's just tapped into that weird mojo that allows these things to happen, has the personality to not really give a shit what others think but also be a kind-hearted guy, and he tells his stories with such vigor and such humor even though he tells these stories over and over again.... Like I said. He needs to write a book.
So, yeah. I loved that class. My other class, though, 2D Production, was kind of the polar opposite. I liked my teacher and I loved having class with so many friends, but the class was a source of much stress. It's still a source of stress, and it's over! My main concern, and I think it not only hindered me but ultimately crippled me, was my confidence. See, 2D Production is kind of a test run for your senior film. You learn the process of making a 2D movie from start to finish. And considering up to this point, I've only had TWO ACTUAL ANIMATION CLASSES (not counting 3D because I'm a 2D animator), I definitely felt unprepared. Not just that, but I was coming off of a really bad, unproductive quarter sans animation classes (felt like a waste of time and money and made me feel guilty and terrible that I was falling behind). I was also aware right off the bat that I would be facing some of my weaknesses with animation (mainly inking). And I was aware that I had extremely talented friends in the class with me who I cannot help but compare myself to. Pretty much these four things combined into a cocktail of Augh.
I burnt out really bad. I stopped giving a shit about my film, started getting lazy, started hating it. I let mistakes go because I just didn't want to deal with them. I wasn't a big fan of the story, the character design, and of it, but I didn't have time to mess with it. Meanwhile, I watched my friends make amazing, well-animated, well-toned, well-colored, well-inked, well-storied films. I just felt so behind. I felt so inferior. Sure, my film wasn't the worst in the class by any means. But it certainly did not even fall into the top five. Not even close. And that's hard for me, not because I feel like I always have to be perfect, but because I'm scared that NOT being perfect means not getting a job.... and that thought is making me emotional so I'm going to stop talking about it. Point is - I'm not proud of my work in that class, and as a result, I've decided to take another quarter hardcore focusing on my animation and some of my lacking areas. My friends are taking Concept for their senior films in the spring. I'm taking it in the summer (with the aforementioned Jan Carlee, so THAT'll be exciting!). At least I learned from this that I need more instruction (I mean, I knew that from the start of the quarter, but I'm going ahead and accepting it now). Hopefully, this next quarter will see growth, and a sense of certainty about my place in this wibbly wobbly artsy filmy place that is animation.... (Dr. Who reference!)
But now, it's spring break!! And in approximately 31 hours, I will be seeing the other half of this blog in person as he steps off the bus in downtown Savannah! :D I can't wait!
Thursday, March 14, 2013
What Would You Do For Your Kids Fears?
It's 7am. It's 7am and I haven't really gone to bed yet. I mean, I took a nap earlier, but I haven't full-on slept yet. I'm not sure if I will.
One thing that I'll probably touch on a lot in this blog is my anxieties. I have always been an anxious, nervous thing, from as far back as I can remember. Y'know Chuckie Finster from Rugrats? That was me. Full force. I once made my mother take us home from the movie theater before the movie even started, because I saw a fire alarm on the wall and was terrified it would go off during the movie. Fire alarms scared the hell out of me. I was scared of toilets that looked strange (read: didn't look like the toilet we had at home). It led to a lot of accidents, or us having to leave earlier than we wanted to. I was scared of my Berenstein Bears tapes. They made a scary noise at the end. I was terrified of electronics turning on without anyone pressing the on button. Like the computer just turning on as I walk by it.
Some of my fears from my childhood have stuck with me into adulthood. I don't like going into unfamiliar places. I think this stems from the time when I was 6, and my dad accidentally took us into a bar and grill that only served 21+. I was so ashamed and humiliated. Yes, even at 6. I just feel like there are places I'm just not allowed, and I can't stand breaking rules.
I don't like talking to unfamiliar people. I don't like feeling like I'm a bother on anyone, and especially if I don't feel like I know the social "rules" of a situation (which is hardly ever), I often just have to step away. This is the reason why I have issues texting people back if too much time has passed, or how I absolutely will never ever knock on someone's door if I have not been invited over.
I'm still afraid of bugs. I have the courage now to do battle against them, but I'm still scared of them. I'm still scared of talking on the phone. I'll do it if I absolutely have to, but this fear is so strong that I have problems calling family members without texting them to announce my intent to call them. (I think this is an extension of the "call for permission before stopping by someone's house" thing).
I'm still scared of being rejected. I'm still scared of failing. I'm still a little scared of flying, though nowhere near as bad as I used to be. I'm scared of scary movies.
But now... I'm realising I have so many new fears. Adult fears. Fears that didn't even bother me a few years ago, but I guess that just means I'm growing up.
I'm scared for my country. Being exposed to so many different people during my year between NAU and SCAD opened up my perspective and see so much of the terrible state our country is in. I see how the media has lied and manipulated us. I see problems everywhere, and no one fixing them.
I know something is wrong, but I don't know exactly what, or how, or why. A few years ago, I didn't really care much about politics (except education), and I didn't vote, because I knew one thing for sure -- most people had no idea what they were talking about, and the last thing I wanted to be was another uninformed voter just compounding the problem. But now I'm growing, and I'm seeing how these issues are actively affecting me, my family, my friends (ESPECIALLY my friends), and the children I want to have one day.... I'm realizing how much I don't know, how much no one knows, how much is probably hidden and how much everything just seems to run in circles but never change. The more I learn, the more I realize there's still so much more I don't know, and it seems like at least I'm trying to understand. I feel like so many other people in this country just believe what they're told to believe. And I panic that I'm making the same mistake. I only know one thing for certain, but it's not a realization that can make me any less afraid -- that this country has so many problems and I don't think they will be fixed without some serious change -- but of course, that word "change" is something this country really can't stand.
I'm scared for my future. I'm scared that I wont ever be good enough to get a job. I'm scared that I don't deserve a good job. I'm scared I'll live my life below the poverty line, begging my dad to help me the rest of his life, because of my insecurities and self-confidence issues.
I'm scared of never getting decent health insurance. That I'll trip and fall and break my wrist and end up 80 grand in debt. And i know that's not an exageration - my teacher told me last week that he broke his pinky. His goddamn pinky. And ended up with a bill totalling 80 grand.
I'm scared that what good work I do will never be good enough. That even when I'm proud of myself, it'll never be good enough for me to get a job, or get a raise, or get recognition. I tried so hard this quarter to do well as a Student Ambassador. I did three or four times as many events as we were required to have to maintain "good standing." Hell, I got the "good standing" amount before the quarter even STARTED. I took on jobs that were outside my comfort zone. I approached my supervisor with other projects for us to get involved in, and was told by one of the coordinators that I should apply to be a coordinator. But then student ambassador of the month awards come around... they give it to someone I've had to yell at for slacking off on the job. They give it to people with less events done than I have (and make a point of talking about how many events they've done). I feel like I've given my all, but it's not good enough, and it never will be. I can't stop feeling like this will never change, no matter how hard I try. That even when I feel like not only am I doing my best, but I'm doing a better job than others, that I'll always be overlooked or forgotten.
I'm scared that a large portion of my family hates me. I'm scared that the day will come where I get married, and a huge chunk of them wont show up or even send a card my way wishing me luck.I'm scared that even those who I know do love me for all that I am wont want to shell the cash or take the time to come see me that day. Hell, I'm scared I could totally kick the bucket and they wouldn't even come to my funeral. They have more important things to do.
I'm scared that I'll never find my place. That I'll keep jumping from apartment to apartment, from crappy job to crappy job, earning 5 grand a year and wondering when my life will begin. I'm scared that I'll never be happy. That this country and this world will only get worse, no matter who the fuck is in power or who the fuck gives a shit. I'm scared to bring children into this world. I'm scared of my mother or father getting cancer with their terrible health insurance.
I'm scared. I'm easily as scared as I was when I screamed at the top of my lungs for my mom to take us home away from the fire alarm. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to get away from here. But I can't.
I just wish I didn't have to care so much. It seems like the people who don't give a shit what anyone else thinks are the people who get somewhere. Those people who will step on others to get themselves up. I care too much and I'm too afraid.
I just want to scream.
And I wish instead of being afraid of all this, I was afraid of fire alarms again.
One thing that I'll probably touch on a lot in this blog is my anxieties. I have always been an anxious, nervous thing, from as far back as I can remember. Y'know Chuckie Finster from Rugrats? That was me. Full force. I once made my mother take us home from the movie theater before the movie even started, because I saw a fire alarm on the wall and was terrified it would go off during the movie. Fire alarms scared the hell out of me. I was scared of toilets that looked strange (read: didn't look like the toilet we had at home). It led to a lot of accidents, or us having to leave earlier than we wanted to. I was scared of my Berenstein Bears tapes. They made a scary noise at the end. I was terrified of electronics turning on without anyone pressing the on button. Like the computer just turning on as I walk by it.
Some of my fears from my childhood have stuck with me into adulthood. I don't like going into unfamiliar places. I think this stems from the time when I was 6, and my dad accidentally took us into a bar and grill that only served 21+. I was so ashamed and humiliated. Yes, even at 6. I just feel like there are places I'm just not allowed, and I can't stand breaking rules.
I don't like talking to unfamiliar people. I don't like feeling like I'm a bother on anyone, and especially if I don't feel like I know the social "rules" of a situation (which is hardly ever), I often just have to step away. This is the reason why I have issues texting people back if too much time has passed, or how I absolutely will never ever knock on someone's door if I have not been invited over.
I'm still afraid of bugs. I have the courage now to do battle against them, but I'm still scared of them. I'm still scared of talking on the phone. I'll do it if I absolutely have to, but this fear is so strong that I have problems calling family members without texting them to announce my intent to call them. (I think this is an extension of the "call for permission before stopping by someone's house" thing).
I'm still scared of being rejected. I'm still scared of failing. I'm still a little scared of flying, though nowhere near as bad as I used to be. I'm scared of scary movies.
But now... I'm realising I have so many new fears. Adult fears. Fears that didn't even bother me a few years ago, but I guess that just means I'm growing up.
I'm scared for my country. Being exposed to so many different people during my year between NAU and SCAD opened up my perspective and see so much of the terrible state our country is in. I see how the media has lied and manipulated us. I see problems everywhere, and no one fixing them.
I know something is wrong, but I don't know exactly what, or how, or why. A few years ago, I didn't really care much about politics (except education), and I didn't vote, because I knew one thing for sure -- most people had no idea what they were talking about, and the last thing I wanted to be was another uninformed voter just compounding the problem. But now I'm growing, and I'm seeing how these issues are actively affecting me, my family, my friends (ESPECIALLY my friends), and the children I want to have one day.... I'm realizing how much I don't know, how much no one knows, how much is probably hidden and how much everything just seems to run in circles but never change. The more I learn, the more I realize there's still so much more I don't know, and it seems like at least I'm trying to understand. I feel like so many other people in this country just believe what they're told to believe. And I panic that I'm making the same mistake. I only know one thing for certain, but it's not a realization that can make me any less afraid -- that this country has so many problems and I don't think they will be fixed without some serious change -- but of course, that word "change" is something this country really can't stand.
I'm scared for my future. I'm scared that I wont ever be good enough to get a job. I'm scared that I don't deserve a good job. I'm scared I'll live my life below the poverty line, begging my dad to help me the rest of his life, because of my insecurities and self-confidence issues.
I'm scared of never getting decent health insurance. That I'll trip and fall and break my wrist and end up 80 grand in debt. And i know that's not an exageration - my teacher told me last week that he broke his pinky. His goddamn pinky. And ended up with a bill totalling 80 grand.
I'm scared that what good work I do will never be good enough. That even when I'm proud of myself, it'll never be good enough for me to get a job, or get a raise, or get recognition. I tried so hard this quarter to do well as a Student Ambassador. I did three or four times as many events as we were required to have to maintain "good standing." Hell, I got the "good standing" amount before the quarter even STARTED. I took on jobs that were outside my comfort zone. I approached my supervisor with other projects for us to get involved in, and was told by one of the coordinators that I should apply to be a coordinator. But then student ambassador of the month awards come around... they give it to someone I've had to yell at for slacking off on the job. They give it to people with less events done than I have (and make a point of talking about how many events they've done). I feel like I've given my all, but it's not good enough, and it never will be. I can't stop feeling like this will never change, no matter how hard I try. That even when I feel like not only am I doing my best, but I'm doing a better job than others, that I'll always be overlooked or forgotten.
I'm scared that a large portion of my family hates me. I'm scared that the day will come where I get married, and a huge chunk of them wont show up or even send a card my way wishing me luck.I'm scared that even those who I know do love me for all that I am wont want to shell the cash or take the time to come see me that day. Hell, I'm scared I could totally kick the bucket and they wouldn't even come to my funeral. They have more important things to do.
I'm scared that I'll never find my place. That I'll keep jumping from apartment to apartment, from crappy job to crappy job, earning 5 grand a year and wondering when my life will begin. I'm scared that I'll never be happy. That this country and this world will only get worse, no matter who the fuck is in power or who the fuck gives a shit. I'm scared to bring children into this world. I'm scared of my mother or father getting cancer with their terrible health insurance.
I'm scared. I'm easily as scared as I was when I screamed at the top of my lungs for my mom to take us home away from the fire alarm. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to get away from here. But I can't.
I just wish I didn't have to care so much. It seems like the people who don't give a shit what anyone else thinks are the people who get somewhere. Those people who will step on others to get themselves up. I care too much and I'm too afraid.
I just want to scream.
And I wish instead of being afraid of all this, I was afraid of fire alarms again.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Insomnia
It's currently.... 4:00am. I have to wake up around 8:00, roll out of bed, throw on some wrinkled clothes, scarf down some leftovers, and hightail it downtown to a student ambassador meeting. But I can't sleep.
This has been happening a lot lately. My sleep schedule is out the door. I'll feel tired, but the moment the light goes out and my head hits the pillow, I just can't... stop... thinking.... And I think about everything. I mean everything.
I've been thinking about my future. It was kinda prompted by my last post. I've just been thinking of all those things I want to do, want to try, want to experience, but currently can't. I want a sewing machine. I want to learn guitar. I want a couch. I want to travel. I want to get back into reading. I want to make a quilt. I want to do something with my life rather than eat, sleep, go to school, bathe.
I've been thinking about Justin. I've been thinking about the days when he and I will be living in the same zip code. In the same home. Being around each other longer than a few days at a time. I want to introduce him to my friends. I want to watch tv next to him. I want to cook dinner with him. I want to explore Savannah with him. Hell, I want to explore the world with him. I want to hug him again. 10 days....
I've been thinking about religion. I'm about to start working on a student film documentary, about college students struggles to understand their relationships with religion, and it just has my brain churning, since I'm kinda in a bit of a struggle myself. It's probably something I'll talk about more in the future, but not now.
I've been thinking about politics. About the state of our country and the world. About how much we don't know. About what's going on we don't hear about because no one wants us to know about. I wonder if things will ever change.
I've been thinking about my place in the world. My relationships with people. My tendency for isolation.
I've been thinking about my past. Those terrible moments in 8th grade, or 9th grade, or at NAU. The loneliness, the heartache, the uncertainty. But also the good times.
I've been thinking about my family. How far away they are, both literally and figuratively. How much I miss them. How I don't really feel as much at home when I visit. Home is getting further away from me.
I've been thinking about art, and work, and life. I've been thinking about children. I've been thinking about bills. I've been thinking about the chores I haven't had time to do. Like laundry. I really need to do laundry.
I've had songs stuck in my head. Happy songs. Sad songs. Songs about love. Songs from my childhood. No sooner do I free myself from one song then another one finds me.
It's just been kind of a roller coaster. If I'm not up late having a panic attack about all the bad in the world, about my own shortcomings, about my own fears, then I'm up late dreaming of a future that's continually uncertain and still so far from my grasp. The future with a house, a job, a family. An art studio. A couch. A garden. A future with more experiences, more travel, more trials and errors, more love, more life. I just have felt, for so long, that I've just been waiting.... waiting for my life to begin. I kinda wonder if that feeling will ever go away. I think I'm closer than I was a few years ago, but it still seems so distant.
What can I say? I'm impatient. I just want to know, now, what the future will be.
I think I'll try going to sleep again. I think I'll leave the light on, though. Maybe it'll force me to keep my eyes closed.
This has been happening a lot lately. My sleep schedule is out the door. I'll feel tired, but the moment the light goes out and my head hits the pillow, I just can't... stop... thinking.... And I think about everything. I mean everything.
I've been thinking about my future. It was kinda prompted by my last post. I've just been thinking of all those things I want to do, want to try, want to experience, but currently can't. I want a sewing machine. I want to learn guitar. I want a couch. I want to travel. I want to get back into reading. I want to make a quilt. I want to do something with my life rather than eat, sleep, go to school, bathe.
I've been thinking about Justin. I've been thinking about the days when he and I will be living in the same zip code. In the same home. Being around each other longer than a few days at a time. I want to introduce him to my friends. I want to watch tv next to him. I want to cook dinner with him. I want to explore Savannah with him. Hell, I want to explore the world with him. I want to hug him again. 10 days....
I've been thinking about religion. I'm about to start working on a student film documentary, about college students struggles to understand their relationships with religion, and it just has my brain churning, since I'm kinda in a bit of a struggle myself. It's probably something I'll talk about more in the future, but not now.
I've been thinking about politics. About the state of our country and the world. About how much we don't know. About what's going on we don't hear about because no one wants us to know about. I wonder if things will ever change.
I've been thinking about my place in the world. My relationships with people. My tendency for isolation.
I've been thinking about my past. Those terrible moments in 8th grade, or 9th grade, or at NAU. The loneliness, the heartache, the uncertainty. But also the good times.
I've been thinking about my family. How far away they are, both literally and figuratively. How much I miss them. How I don't really feel as much at home when I visit. Home is getting further away from me.
I've been thinking about art, and work, and life. I've been thinking about children. I've been thinking about bills. I've been thinking about the chores I haven't had time to do. Like laundry. I really need to do laundry.
I've had songs stuck in my head. Happy songs. Sad songs. Songs about love. Songs from my childhood. No sooner do I free myself from one song then another one finds me.
It's just been kind of a roller coaster. If I'm not up late having a panic attack about all the bad in the world, about my own shortcomings, about my own fears, then I'm up late dreaming of a future that's continually uncertain and still so far from my grasp. The future with a house, a job, a family. An art studio. A couch. A garden. A future with more experiences, more travel, more trials and errors, more love, more life. I just have felt, for so long, that I've just been waiting.... waiting for my life to begin. I kinda wonder if that feeling will ever go away. I think I'm closer than I was a few years ago, but it still seems so distant.
What can I say? I'm impatient. I just want to know, now, what the future will be.
I think I'll try going to sleep again. I think I'll leave the light on, though. Maybe it'll force me to keep my eyes closed.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
20+ Big Things To Do Before I Turn 30
It's Megan's turn! I even changed the format of this thing just a smidge so you can tell who's posting right from the get-go! :D Smart, right? Thought eventually, I think I'm going to put together special post headers, to make it even more apparent. :)
So... I turn 25 in a month. That's a big deal yknow? That's a quarter of a century! By all accounts, I'm an adult! And, well, I kinda thought it'd be an awesome idea to put together a list of big goals to achieve I before the big 30. Five years is a long time, but then again, it'll probably go by super fast....
So... I turn 25 in a month. That's a big deal yknow? That's a quarter of a century! By all accounts, I'm an adult! And, well, I kinda thought it'd be an awesome idea to put together a list of big goals to achieve I before the big 30. Five years is a long time, but then again, it'll probably go by super fast....
1. Graduate art school and find a stable full time job in art or animation that I thoroughly enjoy.
Kinda self-explanatory, but probably also the biggest most important thing on this list.
2. Be 100% independent from the folks. Being a college student, I rely so much on my parents still, and having relied on them for so long starts to make me feel guilty and terrible. I can't wait for the day where I'm finally on my own.
3. Run a 5K - like, without stopping. Considering my self-confidence in myself is so low I have a hard time being seen wearing sneakers in public, this will be a doozy.
4. Plant a garden of some kind, even if it's just a little herb garden on the windowsill.
5. Take an epic road trip, preferably to New England. I love me a good road trip, and hey, while I'm on this side of the country, why not? I also have a lot of friends up there.
6. While on the topic of "On this side of the country" -- Disney World and Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
7. Pay off my student loan debts. Even with parental help, I'm still racking in a good amount of student loans. I'd like to pay them all off by the time I'm 30.
8. Have a booth at an artist alley of a comic convention. This has been a dream of mine for a long time. I hope to one day do it, even if I have to split the cost with 4 other people.
9. Go to CTN Expo. This is a huge animation expo, the biggest in the country for my industry. I gotta go.
10. Buy an Expedit bookshelf from IKEA. No, seriously. This is a big thing for me. I mean, seriously, look how gorgeous it is!
11.Dye my hair a crazy color. I've always wanted to, and I figure I should do it while I still have the chance!
Kinda self-explanatory, but probably also the biggest most important thing on this list.
2. Be 100% independent from the folks. Being a college student, I rely so much on my parents still, and having relied on them for so long starts to make me feel guilty and terrible. I can't wait for the day where I'm finally on my own.
3. Run a 5K - like, without stopping. Considering my self-confidence in myself is so low I have a hard time being seen wearing sneakers in public, this will be a doozy.
4. Plant a garden of some kind, even if it's just a little herb garden on the windowsill.
5. Take an epic road trip, preferably to New England. I love me a good road trip, and hey, while I'm on this side of the country, why not? I also have a lot of friends up there.
6. While on the topic of "On this side of the country" -- Disney World and Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
7. Pay off my student loan debts. Even with parental help, I'm still racking in a good amount of student loans. I'd like to pay them all off by the time I'm 30.
8. Have a booth at an artist alley of a comic convention. This has been a dream of mine for a long time. I hope to one day do it, even if I have to split the cost with 4 other people.
9. Go to CTN Expo. This is a huge animation expo, the biggest in the country for my industry. I gotta go.
10. Buy an Expedit bookshelf from IKEA. No, seriously. This is a big thing for me. I mean, seriously, look how gorgeous it is!
11.Dye my hair a crazy color. I've always wanted to, and I figure I should do it while I still have the chance!
12. Be okay with selling artwork and taking commissions. This is definitely a confidence thing. I really want to be able to make money off my art, not feel like it's only MAYBE good enough to give away to family members....
13. Take more pictures, and start documenting my years in a more permanent fashion. This definitely goes hand in hand with the blog - my favorite blogs are loaded with beautiful pictures, and just right now, I'm without a camera (note to self - waterproof doesn't always mean waterproof, because shockproof doesn't always mean shockproof). Once I get a new camera, I want to start making "yearbooks" of my life, so I can look back on them. Yay shutterfly!
14. Go to New York City. This is pretty much a given, right?
15. Go white water rafting again. My dad has taken me on whitewater rafting trips a bunch of times, and I loved them. I'd love to go again.
16. Visit another country, preferably in Europe. If I don't get to visit by the time I'm 30, I may add it to my bucket list for the future to do a house exchange with a family in Europe - that's totally a thing, yknow!
17. Get a dog. I really want a dog. A *real* dog. Like a lab or a shepherd or a retriever. Someone to take walks and play fetch. Who can have a doggy door, lol.
18. Get into thrifting and DIY projects. Again, I know of so many blogs where they go yard saling (is that a word?) or thrifting, bringing home junky ol' pieces of furniture or home decor, and fixing them up new. I *really* want to do this, but I just don't have time, money, or the room for it all now.
19. Learn to play guitar. I've been playing musical instruments for as long as I can remember. Viola, steel drums, clarinet, piano. October 2010, I picked up my first ukulele as a kind of transition from viola to guitar. I've got the ukulele pretty much down. I want to take the next step, and learn guitar!
20. Find myself a home. Since I graduated high school 7 years ago (wow), I haven't lived in one place for more than a year at a time. And I'm not just talking moving from apartment to apartment. Most times, I was moving hundreds of miles away, and sometimes that move was for only a couple of months (dorm to my mom's house and back, for example). My life has felt so stuck on hold, and it's because of this that a lot of other items of this list exist (namely 4, 10, 17, 18, and 19). I hate having to go "Man... I really want to learn to play guitar.... but guitars are so BIG! What will I DO with it in x number of months when I have to move again?? *sigh* I guess I'll just wait...." That's been my mentality for SEVEN FRICKEN YEARS. And I'm done with it. I want a home. I want a place that's mine. That's not just a bedroom in a communal living arrangement like a college dorm, but a place I can really call my own. A place to LIVE in, rather than STAY in. I just can't even comprehend the concept of it. Being able to have my bookshelf of animation books in the living room. Being able to put stuff on the walls and not have to double check with my roommates that they approve. I want a place of my own. I want to find a home. I hope I can have that by the time I'm thirty. Even if I'm still renting. I just want more stability.... I want to feel at home.
So yeah. Those are my big goals for the next five years. They are by no means the only goals, and I'm sure as life traverses on my priorities will shift a bit and some things might become higher priority than other things... BUT I BETTER GET THAT EXPEDIT BOOKSHELF GORRAM IT!!!
UPDATE:
So, of COURSE, I keep thinking up other things I want to do.... so I'm just gonna catalog them here as I come up with them.
21. Buy a sewing machine - and actually use it! There are so many sewing projects I want to do - hell, I have a space bag full of cut-up sentimental t-shirts I want to turn into a quilt. The problem is - I don't have a sewing machine (let alone time and money for materials). Someday, I want a sewing machine.
16. Visit another country, preferably in Europe. If I don't get to visit by the time I'm 30, I may add it to my bucket list for the future to do a house exchange with a family in Europe - that's totally a thing, yknow!
17. Get a dog. I really want a dog. A *real* dog. Like a lab or a shepherd or a retriever. Someone to take walks and play fetch. Who can have a doggy door, lol.
18. Get into thrifting and DIY projects. Again, I know of so many blogs where they go yard saling (is that a word?) or thrifting, bringing home junky ol' pieces of furniture or home decor, and fixing them up new. I *really* want to do this, but I just don't have time, money, or the room for it all now.
19. Learn to play guitar. I've been playing musical instruments for as long as I can remember. Viola, steel drums, clarinet, piano. October 2010, I picked up my first ukulele as a kind of transition from viola to guitar. I've got the ukulele pretty much down. I want to take the next step, and learn guitar!
20. Find myself a home. Since I graduated high school 7 years ago (wow), I haven't lived in one place for more than a year at a time. And I'm not just talking moving from apartment to apartment. Most times, I was moving hundreds of miles away, and sometimes that move was for only a couple of months (dorm to my mom's house and back, for example). My life has felt so stuck on hold, and it's because of this that a lot of other items of this list exist (namely 4, 10, 17, 18, and 19). I hate having to go "Man... I really want to learn to play guitar.... but guitars are so BIG! What will I DO with it in x number of months when I have to move again?? *sigh* I guess I'll just wait...." That's been my mentality for SEVEN FRICKEN YEARS. And I'm done with it. I want a home. I want a place that's mine. That's not just a bedroom in a communal living arrangement like a college dorm, but a place I can really call my own. A place to LIVE in, rather than STAY in. I just can't even comprehend the concept of it. Being able to have my bookshelf of animation books in the living room. Being able to put stuff on the walls and not have to double check with my roommates that they approve. I want a place of my own. I want to find a home. I hope I can have that by the time I'm thirty. Even if I'm still renting. I just want more stability.... I want to feel at home.
So yeah. Those are my big goals for the next five years. They are by no means the only goals, and I'm sure as life traverses on my priorities will shift a bit and some things might become higher priority than other things... BUT I BETTER GET THAT EXPEDIT BOOKSHELF GORRAM IT!!!
UPDATE:
So, of COURSE, I keep thinking up other things I want to do.... so I'm just gonna catalog them here as I come up with them.
21. Buy a sewing machine - and actually use it! There are so many sewing projects I want to do - hell, I have a space bag full of cut-up sentimental t-shirts I want to turn into a quilt. The problem is - I don't have a sewing machine (let alone time and money for materials). Someday, I want a sewing machine.
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