Insomnia

It's currently.... 4:00am. I have to wake up around 8:00, roll out of bed, throw on some wrinkled clothes, scarf down some leftovers, and hightail it downtown to a student ambassador meeting. But I can't sleep.

This has been happening a lot lately. My sleep schedule is out the door. I'll feel tired, but the moment the light goes out and my head hits the pillow, I just can't... stop... thinking.... And I think about everything. I mean everything.

I've been thinking about my future. It was kinda prompted by my last post. I've just been thinking of all those things I want to do, want to try, want to experience, but currently can't. I want a sewing machine. I want to learn guitar. I want a couch. I want to travel. I want to get back into reading. I want to make a quilt. I want to do something with my life rather than eat, sleep, go to school, bathe.

I've been thinking about Justin. I've been thinking about the days when he and I will be living in the same zip code. In the same home. Being around each other longer than a few days at a time. I want to introduce him to my friends. I want to watch tv next to him. I want to cook dinner with him. I want to explore Savannah with him. Hell, I want to explore the world with him. I want to hug him again. 10 days....

I've been thinking about religion. I'm about to start working on a student film documentary, about college students struggles to understand their relationships with religion, and it just has my brain churning, since I'm kinda in a bit of a struggle myself. It's probably something I'll talk about more in the future, but not now.

I've been thinking about politics. About the state of our country and the world. About how much we don't know. About what's going on we don't hear about because no one wants us to know about. I wonder if things will ever change.

I've been thinking about my place in the world. My relationships with people. My tendency for isolation.

I've been thinking about my past. Those terrible moments in 8th grade, or 9th grade, or at NAU. The loneliness, the heartache, the uncertainty. But also the good times.

I've been thinking about my family. How far away they are, both literally and figuratively. How much I miss them. How I don't really feel as much at home when I visit. Home is getting further away from me.

I've been thinking about art, and work, and life. I've been thinking about children. I've been thinking about bills. I've been thinking about the chores I haven't had time to do. Like laundry. I really need to do laundry.

I've had songs stuck in my head. Happy songs. Sad songs. Songs about love. Songs from my childhood. No sooner do I free myself from one song then another one finds me.

It's just been kind of a roller coaster. If I'm not up late having a panic attack about all the bad in the world, about my own shortcomings, about my own fears, then I'm up late dreaming of a future that's continually uncertain and still so far from my grasp. The future with a house, a job, a family. An art studio. A couch. A garden. A future with more experiences, more travel, more trials and errors, more love, more life. I just have felt, for so long, that I've just been waiting.... waiting for my life to begin. I kinda wonder if that feeling will ever go away. I think I'm closer than I was a few years ago, but it still seems so distant.

What can I say? I'm impatient. I just want to know, now, what the future will be.

I think I'll try going to sleep again. I think I'll leave the light on, though. Maybe it'll force me to keep my eyes closed.