New life, new town, new beginnings.

Listening to the new Daft Punk album.

I am done writing about my old marriage. Recently a friend of mine knocked me over the head for bringing her up and he was right to do so. I can’t keep letting her get in the way of now. It is way past time that I put that behind me and I will. Sorry Brent, I know you liked the story but it’s time I moved on.

I have so many great things happening right now in my life. I have an amazing girl, who is insanely hot, immeasurably geeky and so kind. I have a job and I am about to start school. I LIVE AT THE FREAKING BEACH! I have family that is so wonderful and supportive and my friends are great!
I guess in a word, I am thankful for what I have been blessed with.

In other news, We got our new apartment today!

A day at the beach gathering rocks.

We had a wonderful time today and ended up with some pictures and a couple of videos!

It's going to suck not being 5 minutes away from these people!

I will not be gone forever. I do not know why I am as sad as I am. I am happy to shut the door on the part of my life that is a 24 year old living with his parents but I am also walking away from so many good people; I don’t just mean my family. If you have read any of my blog posts you would know that I ended up in a really depressed place after my separation and divorce from Alexis. My friends saved me. I used to say more than they will ever know but I’m going to tell this story now.


Amber Grim was a relatively new girl at work; very pretty and very warm hearted. She has a kindness to her that is rare and delightful. She saved me. Her random invite to play poker at her boyfriends house started a chain reaction that would lead me to make friends with new amazing people. People so unique and fantastic that I couldn't help but like each of them.

Amber, I always looked forward to the weekends at Best Buy because I knew I’d get to see you. You would always brighten my day. I wish you the very best. Don’t ever forget how talented you are. It is as it always was, if anybody ever gives you a hard time call me and let me know. I’ll always have your back.


Daniel. Oh Daniel what to say. I just left your house after grabbing my microphone and game. As I sat there in your driveway realizing that that might be the last time I go to your house in a while I couldn't help but feel sad. You welcomed me into your life, with all my awkwardness and bad jokes. Little did I know at the time I was about to be surrounded by bad jokes but it would be awesome. Daniel your wit and charm are unparalleled. Your ability to form puns and jokes as second nature is something I will never fully understand. You are easily the funniest person I know and I know you have an amazing career ahead of you. Just never give up.


I met Casey for the first time the very first time I played poker with everyone at Daniels. Casey was weird, unique, loud, adorable and I had a crush. Amber had given me a ride to Daniels that night and as she was taking me home. The first question I had asked her was about you. Well, romance wasn't in the cards for you and I but that didn't stop us from being great friends. We all like to give you a hard time. Your quirks and Caseyisms make that very easy to do but I've had the chance to see past that on multiple occasions and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that you have a massive heart. You are kind and caring and I will never forget your kindness.


Cody, you and I met for the first time on the fields of Justice and it wasn't till one day we were both hungry and decided to meet at Wendy’s for food that we had met in person for the first time. I recall you wearing a t-shirt with spaceship on it that was supposed to be some vague reference. You were curious if I would get the reference but of course I didn't. Luckily, our friendship wouldn't be based on whether or not I understood the picture on your shirt. I am always happy to know when you are coming into town. Our games of Magic just don’t feel complete without you there. You are stubborn and a natural born leader. I can’t wait to see what you will accomplish.


Josh, you are just too darn intelligent. You have accomplished more than most people my age and you have been one of my motivators to be better. You and I have had many an awesome conversations on topic ranging from games to science to life; I look forward to many more. It makes me so happy to think about what you will accomplish going forward. Your charm and kindness are contagious, never lose that. I wish you and your bride to be the very best.

Kyle you are awesome. A wonderful artist, respectful, talented, caring, protective, and nice. It’s good to have you at my six in any game or just in general. I know you've got my back. I’ll never forget our long discussions in the hot tub that day. You are incredibly level headed and driven. I know you will be known for great things and I can’t wait to see what you will do.


Jessel and Drew, I really didn't start to get to know y'all very well till recently and I am glad I did. You two are both wonderful people, full of life and ambition. I can’t wait to learn more about you in the years to come.

Jessel, I remember the first time we hung out. You hosted a movie night. You introduced me to Doctor Horrible and we discussed so many topics. I am so excited for you and Melanie. You two are wonderful together.

I don’t mean to be melodramatic but this is the most significant move I have ever made and I am scared, happy, sad, and excited all at once. I am going to miss all of you so much more than I can ever say. I truly loved the weekends at Best Buy, the nights at Daniels, the trips to Steak and Shake and the feeling of friendship I have felt from each of you. I know I will make new friends in Savannah but they can never replace you all.

-Justin
P.S. I don't care how bad it is you all deserve to see the pilot we made. I am going to finish it.

It's been awhile, cuz reasons.

Hello hypothetical readers! Since.... we don't really have readers yet.... Oh, who cares? I just like to write.

Sorry about the absence. The last month and a half or so kinda sucked royally for me. Kinda fell into a pit of despair that started to really take its toll. You know, standard typical clinical depression sort of stuff, as ya do. It kind of reached a peak on/around my birthday. I lost my all-important not-backed-up hard drive that day (lovely birthday present), and, yknow, three people died and a bunch more were injured in Boston. Two days later I was sitting in SCAD's shrink office because my brain was pretty much on strike and I couldn't go to the animation building or draw anything without having panic attacks.... which, with two of the most difficult classes with one of the most difficult teachers, is a very bad thing.

I'm doing better now, though. I dropped one of those most difficult classes, which sucks because that means $3500 of my student debt doesn't even reflect any actual education (except maybe the education of knowing my limits), but has been exactly the kind of slack I needed to relax and kind of heal a bit from everything. I'm still going to the counselor (though still haven't had my second appointment, thanks to scheduling issues on her end). I haven't seen a medicine shrink or a standard typical doctor doctor yet because of anxiety but I will soon.... hopefully. But I am feeling better. My agoraphobia is a little bit lesser (I went to Petsmart, Target, AND the grocery store today!),  and this week I got an A on an assignment I was convinced I was only going to get a C on. That helped my confidence a little bit.

Also, in less than a month, Justin (the other half of this blog) and I are moving into an apartment together!

The Wednesday before my birthday, Justin called me telling me he just saw a craiglist posting that was posted just an hour or so before for a rental in an area I desperately wanted. Even as bad as I was mentally at that point (this was 5 days or so before my birthday meltdown), I actually called the guy. It didn't scare me, which I typically try to take as A Sign. My roommate and I went and checked out the place on Friday.... and it checked off everything on my want list. Functional kitchen (as in more than one square foot of counter space, enough room in cupboards to store dishes AND food (gasp!), etc), that had not just a dishwasher, but was updated with stainless steel, built-in microwave, and a double sink. There was even room for my table and chairs in there! And then, surprise! Washer/Drier. In. The. Bedroom. (Well, in a closet in the bedroom). And then wifi included, water included, pet fee waived.... And just a mile or two from school. I went home, got my checkbook, and gave him the deposit. Lease was signed the next week, and that apartment will officially be home on May 25th!

As big of a worrywart as I am, even without the crippling bout of depression I've been battling recently, this isn't scaring me like it could. The only anxieties are have are superficial ones - anxieties about the logistics of moving everything during finals week, will we find a mattress, will Quinn be able to handle being an only child cat again? Will it be big enough? But those are very small voices in the back of my head. Louder voices are going "I can't wait to decorate. I'm going to finally start an herb garden. I can't wait to play Wii U with my wonderful amazing boyfriend. I am going to invite all my friends over and we're going to play Red Dragon Inn." It just feels right, yknow?

We don't get the apartment til the 25th, but Justin is going to be here on Friday. This is going to be an exciting new adventure. I can't wait to get started. <3

The Happiness Project - March. Get Things Done.

So, thanks to winter quarter finals, my sleep schedule has flipped completely around to "nocturnal." So that, plus the sudden plethora of free time I now have (I don't have to go to Montgomery Hall and work on animation for 12 hours? Really? Are you sure? Okay.) I did laundry for the first time in a month (I have enough clothes for a month, but I have a lot of clothes I'm not a fan of. I used those up, too). I cleaned a little. But for the most part, I was on the computer. Big surprise there. However, somewhere between Saturday and Sunday I got sick of being surrounded by screens (I had four running at one point - imac on The Sims 3, laptop playing youtube videos, my phone on for texting, and my tablet for Candy Crush Saga while waiting for my Sims to wake up). I also couldn't really bring myself to clean more, because bleh cleaning. I am not a fan of cleaning. (I would say "who is??".....but there are people who enjoy it.... you know who you are.)

So, I paused The Sims, stood up, got some food, and thought "....maybe I should read something. Something not on the internet. Like a book."

And then I remembered that yesterday while I was cleaning the living room, I'd come across the Barnes and Noble bag I'd brought home a few weeks ago, with an untouched new book still sitting nestled inside with the receipt. A book called "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin

It was one of those I Had A Gift Card And This Was On One Of Those Mid-Aisle Displays And It Wasn't Too Expensive And I Couldn't Think Of Anything Else To Buy And It Could Do Me Good If I Read It And I've Considered Reading It So I'll Go Ahead And Get It purchases. I have a lot of those. I have a bookshelf full of either untouched or half-read books, mainly because if I don't engulf the whole book in one sitting like a Harry Potter book, I tend to forget it exists. (I'm probably the only child on the face of the planet who STOPPED reading thanks to Harry Potter, but that's a blog post for another day).

So I pulled the book out of the bag, went back to my room, sat down, and proceeded to chew through four chapters. That's almost 100 pages. Now, on Monday morning, I'm almost done.

It's inspiring. This is a book I kind of want to read again after I go through this time. It's actually a book where I actively wished I'd had a highlighter handy nearby or mini post its handy for some of the things she's written. One thing I love is that, in the introduction, she explains that this is a book retelling her own personal experience spending a year finding happiness, and that it is by no means the only way, and that everyone would have to come up with their own Happiness Project for their own struggles and their own way of living.

I want to do it.

So much of it is the little things we keep saying we should do but don't. Like how I say I should actively communicate with my friends more. How I should take the stairs instead of the elevator. How guilty I feel when I don't take my dishes to the kitchen. How I put off little chores til later and let them pile up. Ways of thinking and altering them (like saying "The Fun of Failure." It's all stuff I've heard before but have forgotten - or just downright turned away from. I don't know why.

I feel happier after reading this book. I want to give it a try. I really do.

I think one of the successful ideas of the book was not overdoing it, yknow? She had overall core rules that she followed ("Splendid Truths" like "To be happier, you have to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right in an atmosphere of growth", and "Commandments" like "Enjoy the Process" or "Lighten up."), but then each month, had a specific focus on one aspect she wanted to cultivate for growth. For example, in February she focused on love, and in April she focused on improving being a parent.

I've decided to pretty much start now. I have April planned out, but for the rest of March I have one resolution -- Get Stuff Done. I have a lot of things I've been putting off and putting off. I'm a procrastinator. This month, I need to get things done, and yes, I got some things accomplished before I read the book - I got my federal taxes done, for example. I emailed some people I've been meaning to email. I've taken steps toward getting my FAFSA stuff figured out.

But there are other things I've been putting off. I want to find a doctor (or two) so I can get a full round of physicals and tests and stuff done while I still have health insurance. I have to get background stuff done for Double Rainboom. I want to introduce Justin to more of my friends while he's here this week, but I haven't set up the facebook event yet (....true to my resolution, I just went ahead and did that right now). I've been putting off cleaning my absolutely disgusting car. I've been putting off dishes, and cleaning the kitty litter... I have to put my water bill in the mailbox. I tend to just put things off. So for this month, I'm going to take care of all those things now, not later. (Or, if something requires a later - like I like to clean my car at a gas station, because of the trash containers, or can't print something because printer is broken and roommate is gone - I'll make a note and do it sooner, not later).

So, I've got a Google spreadsheet that I can access anywhere. I've put rows for each day of March, and then columns of resolutions. "Do a chore at first thought"; "Get a doctor" (me and Quinn both need appointments); "Get FAFSA and taxes 100% done"; "If I think about calling/texting someone, do it"; "Contact and meet Student Ambassador Mentees"; "Apartment."

All of these will be tough for me, and pretty much all of them need to get done THIS MONTH. So, I'm going to do them. Because some of these things require multiple steps (I have stuff to print and stuff to mail and stuff to followup on for taxes and FAFSA, for example), instead of just putting an X in a box, I will mention exactly what I did for that box. If I get a column's task 100% done, I can blank out the rest of that column, so that way I can really sense the accomplishment. Maybe I'll replace it with a new task. We'll see. This is just to get me started, yknow?

So, what do you think? Any projects you need to get done but put off for awhile?

Winter Quarter

I want to try and actually type more about my day-to-day life in this here blog, and when I realized I was about to sum up my quarter in a single sentence at the beginning of a blog post about a book I'm reading, I realized, duh, why not just devote a whole blog post to it??

I go to Savannah College of Art and Design, and I just finished up my second winter quarter here. That's 6 quarters done, and 6 more to go. I am literally sitting at the halfway mark of my career here at SCAD, which is actually a little comforting, now that I'm thinking about it. It's much less "HOMFG" feeling than saying "I'M ONLY TWO QUARTERS AWAY FROM BEING A SENIOR OH GOD OH GOD!" But let's not think about that, shall we?

This last quarter, I took two classes (as I do every quarter now - 3 classes is standard). I had Principles of Screen Design with this guy Jan Carlee, and 2D Production with an ol' favorite, John Webber.

Screen Design was awesome. The class revolves the devices and techniques film makers, animated and live action alike, use to convey and strengthen their story. While I had friends who'd taken the class previously and hated it, I, personally, enjoyed the class immensely, and I think it was because, thanks to their complaints, I was able to prepare myself for what was to come. I already knew the teacher was a harsh grader, so I didn't get bent out of shape about a B, and rejoiced in the single A I got the whole quarter, because I *knew* I earned it. I already knew not to expect any in-class work session. I knew to expect 2.5 hours of nonstop film clips, and to have a class here or there that covered topics I either didn't care about or already knew about. I knew what to expect from the assignments, even knew what some of them were and knew how my friends approached the assignments. I worried about doing as good of work as they did, and I got upset if I missed a class and it turned out to be a class on something I really wanted to learn, like character design. But in the end, I felt like I did a good job, and when my teacher praised something I did, I *knew* he meant it, and I knew I deserved it. I need to get those assignments on my Vimeo so I can embed them here soon. I'll definitely do that this week. The class also had a lot of great people, and we had a great time. Easily one of the best classes I've had at SCAD yet.

My teacher for that class, Jan Carlee, was pretty awesome, too. This guy.... he should write a book. The adventures he's had just because of people he met because he was in the right place at the right time.... it's almost unbelievable, and yet he has this presence and personality that just tells you, no, he's that guy. The guy to help a stranger on the street on the way to a rock concert, and it turns out it's the rock band's manager, and now there's a invitation to a huge private party with tons of famous people. Or the person that, the day he quits his job, someone randomly calls and offers him a new one. He's just tapped into that weird mojo that allows these things to happen, has the personality to not really give a shit what others think but also be a kind-hearted guy, and he tells his stories with such vigor and such humor even though he tells these stories over and over again.... Like I said. He needs to write a book.

So, yeah. I loved that class. My other class, though, 2D Production, was kind of the polar opposite. I liked my teacher and I loved having class with so many friends, but the class was a source of much stress. It's still a source of stress, and it's over! My main concern, and I think it not only hindered me but ultimately crippled me, was my confidence. See, 2D Production is kind of a test run for your senior film. You learn the process of making a 2D movie from start to finish. And considering up to this point, I've only had TWO ACTUAL ANIMATION CLASSES (not counting 3D because I'm a 2D animator), I definitely felt unprepared. Not just that, but I was coming off of a really bad, unproductive quarter sans animation classes (felt like a waste of time and money and made me feel guilty and terrible that I was falling behind). I was also aware right off the bat that I would be facing some of my weaknesses with animation (mainly inking). And I was aware that I had extremely talented friends in the class with me who I cannot help but compare myself to. Pretty much these four things combined into a cocktail of Augh.

I burnt out really bad. I stopped giving a shit about my film, started getting lazy, started hating it. I let mistakes go because I just didn't want to deal with them. I wasn't a big fan of the story, the character design, and of it, but I didn't have time to mess with it. Meanwhile, I watched my friends make amazing, well-animated, well-toned, well-colored, well-inked, well-storied films. I just felt so behind. I felt so inferior. Sure, my film wasn't the worst in the class by any means. But it certainly did not even fall into the top five. Not even close. And that's hard for me, not because I feel like I always have to be perfect, but because I'm scared that NOT being perfect means not getting a job.... and that thought is making me emotional so I'm going to stop talking about it. Point is - I'm not proud of my work in that class, and as a result, I've decided to take another quarter hardcore focusing on my animation and some of my lacking areas. My friends are taking Concept for their senior films in the spring. I'm taking it in the summer (with the aforementioned Jan Carlee, so THAT'll be exciting!). At least I learned from this that I need more instruction (I mean, I knew that from the start of the quarter, but I'm going ahead and accepting it now). Hopefully, this next quarter will see growth, and a sense of certainty about my place in this wibbly wobbly artsy filmy place that is animation.... (Dr. Who reference!)

But now, it's spring break!! And in approximately 31 hours, I will be seeing the other half of this blog in person as he steps off the bus in downtown Savannah! :D I can't wait!

What Would You Do For Your Kids Fears?

It's 7am. It's 7am and I haven't really gone to bed yet. I mean, I took a nap earlier, but I haven't full-on slept yet. I'm not sure if I will.

One thing that I'll probably touch on a lot in this blog is my anxieties. I have always been an anxious, nervous thing, from as far back as I can remember. Y'know Chuckie Finster from Rugrats? That was me. Full force. I once made my mother take us home from the movie theater before the movie even started, because I saw a fire alarm on the wall and was terrified it would go off during the movie. Fire alarms scared the hell out of me. I was scared of toilets that looked strange (read: didn't look like the toilet we had at home). It led to a lot of accidents, or us having to leave earlier than we wanted to. I was scared of my Berenstein Bears tapes. They made a scary noise at the end. I was terrified of electronics turning on without anyone pressing the on button. Like the computer just turning on as I walk by it.

Some of my fears from my childhood have stuck with me into adulthood. I don't like going into unfamiliar places. I think this stems from the time when I was 6, and my dad accidentally took us into a bar and grill that only served 21+. I was so ashamed and humiliated. Yes, even at 6. I just feel like there are places I'm just not allowed, and I can't stand breaking rules.

I don't like talking to unfamiliar people. I don't like feeling like I'm a bother on anyone, and especially if I don't feel like I know the social "rules" of a situation (which is hardly ever), I often just have to step away. This is the reason why I have issues texting people back if too much time has passed, or how I absolutely will never ever knock on someone's door if I have not been invited over.

I'm still afraid of bugs. I have the courage now to do battle against them, but I'm still scared of them. I'm still scared of talking on the phone. I'll do it if I absolutely have to, but this fear is so strong that I have problems calling family members without texting them to announce my intent to call them. (I think this is an extension of the "call for permission before stopping by someone's house" thing).

I'm still scared of being rejected. I'm still scared of failing. I'm still a little scared of flying, though nowhere near as bad as I used to be. I'm scared of scary movies.

But now... I'm realising I have so many new fears. Adult fears. Fears that didn't even bother me a few years ago, but I guess that just means I'm growing up.

I'm scared for my country. Being exposed to so many different people during my year between NAU and SCAD opened up my perspective and see so much of the terrible state our country is in. I see how the media has lied and manipulated us. I see problems everywhere, and no one fixing them.

I know something is wrong, but I don't know exactly what, or how, or why. A few years ago, I didn't really care much about politics (except education), and I didn't vote, because I knew one thing for sure -- most people had no idea what they were talking about, and the last thing I wanted to be was another uninformed voter just compounding the problem. But now I'm growing, and I'm seeing how these issues are actively affecting me, my family, my friends (ESPECIALLY my friends), and the children I want to have one day.... I'm realizing how much I don't know, how much no one knows, how much is probably hidden and how much everything just seems to run in circles but never change. The more I learn, the more I realize there's still so much more I don't know, and it seems like at least I'm trying to understand. I feel like so many other people in this country just believe what they're told to believe. And I panic that I'm making the same mistake. I only know one thing for certain, but it's not a realization that can make me any less afraid -- that this country has so many problems and I don't think they will be fixed without some serious change -- but of course, that word "change" is something this country really can't stand.

I'm scared for my future. I'm scared that I wont ever be good enough to get a job. I'm scared that I don't deserve a good job. I'm scared I'll live my life below the poverty line, begging my dad to help me the rest of his life, because of my insecurities and self-confidence issues.

I'm scared of never getting decent health insurance. That I'll trip and fall and break my wrist and end up 80 grand in debt. And i know that's not an exageration - my teacher told me last week that he broke his pinky. His goddamn pinky. And ended up with a bill totalling 80 grand.

I'm scared that what good work I do will never be good enough. That even when I'm proud of myself, it'll never be good enough for me to get a job, or get a raise, or get recognition. I tried so hard this quarter to do well as a Student Ambassador. I did three or four times as many events as we were required to have to maintain "good standing." Hell, I got the "good standing" amount before the quarter even STARTED. I took on jobs that were outside my comfort zone. I approached my supervisor with other projects for us to get involved in, and was told by one of the coordinators that I should apply to be a coordinator. But then student ambassador of the month awards come around... they give it to someone I've had to yell at for slacking off on the job. They give it to people with less events done than I have (and make a point of talking about how many events they've done). I feel like I've given my all, but it's not good enough, and it never will be. I can't stop feeling like this will never change, no matter how hard I try. That even when I feel like not only am I doing my best, but I'm doing a better job than others, that I'll always be overlooked or forgotten.

I'm scared that a large portion of my family hates me. I'm scared that the day will come where I get married, and a huge chunk of them wont show up or even send a card my way wishing me luck.I'm scared that even those who I know do love me for all that I am wont want to shell the cash or take the time to come see me that day. Hell, I'm scared I could totally kick the bucket and they wouldn't even come to my funeral. They have more important things to do.

I'm scared that I'll never find my place. That I'll keep jumping from apartment to apartment, from crappy job to crappy job, earning 5 grand a year and wondering when my life will begin. I'm scared that I'll never be happy. That this country and this world will only get worse, no matter who the fuck is in power or who the fuck gives a shit. I'm scared to bring children into this world. I'm scared of my mother or father getting cancer with their terrible health insurance.

I'm scared. I'm easily as scared as I was when I screamed at the top of my lungs for my mom to take us home away from the fire alarm. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to get away from here. But I can't.

I just wish I didn't have to care so much. It seems like the people who don't give a shit what anyone else thinks are the people who get somewhere. Those people who will step on others to get themselves up. I care too much and I'm too afraid.


I just want to scream.

And I wish instead of being afraid of all this, I was afraid of fire alarms again.